So......we need to catch up

Watching Alice in Wonderland getting teeeerashed with ze ladies in this moment...soo necessary. I really wish I could hear and drink and type at the same time. I just tuned in to whore and s.l.u.t., so I have to tune in a little better, it's getting juicy in here...ooooh chamydia ass. Very nice. 'I don't care what she does with her vagina' sooo awesome! I wish we could all live in MN and do this ev.e.eryday. Honestly this is the very best life I could have even hoped or wished for. I can't be grateful enough. Nice use of Lothlorien Siri! I would love to return to AZ, I love Nancy, Jenny, Christel, my Ladies, My Ladies. But, Lord this is a nice life shit. I should take up heroin or something to make it more even. But I won't. The kids and all.
Can I tell you, holy shit on a shingle, my kids are so up my ass. ass. aaaaaasssssss this month. 2.5 weeks in AZ without Mike, then we return to 3 weeks of Mike on locum (away from home) so they think we've divorced or something, which is sad. But funny. But Sad! I mean Sad! Eh. They're under the age of 3, so they won't remember this, right? Tell me I'm right.
OK, I've got to get back to my guests and my pretty, pretty movie. But, I promise. More soon.

OOOOHHHH, HEY!!! BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A NEW BLOG 'ASK NURSE LEATHERS'. Email your most secret, horrible, insane health questions ever and I'll do the research and answer. So fun! I can't wait!


So Freakin' What

Soooo what happens if you can't even deal with how nice you've become? Christ on patrol this is getting freaking ridonkulous. I'm assuming since that's a made up word, I can spell it however I please. Of course I didn't make it up, which is what makes it even funnier. How many bongs did that guy have that morning? Let the digression begin! Or end, back to ridonkulous. Seriously, I'm happy all the time and it's making me freak. I want to shop obsessively, eat cupcakes and drink all day. (Want to, not doing. Get off the phone with CPS) What the hell? I thought the integration of light and dark was supposed to totally be Nirvana (yes, smells like teen spirit ha. ha.) Maybe I just need some time to adjust. 34 years of angst and 3 years of MN, Lutherans, and people saying 'you betcha' and bringing you hot dish when you get sick, not to mention having two of the cutest freakin kids on the planet and a kick-ass hot husband that just laughs at you when you get all pissy and defensive when your bloodsugar gets too low because you've been mulching for three hours straight, well, who can blame me? For the freaking, not for the bloodsugar thing - I mean it's not like I don't have a bag of apples and a bag of tangelos in the fridge. And then there's my neighbor, who's sister is battling breast cancer for the THIRD TIME in a decade. I am aware that some people have real problems. But back to me. And my not so much a problem. Now that I write it down it seems preeeeety stupid and crazy. It could just be this much Legally Blonde this late at night. I've been using a LOT of cleaning products today, with the party tomorrow and all. Ahhhh. Hope you all can make it - I'm making margaritas (the real ones that knock everyone here on their asses, so great!), guac and Mike's making awesome tacos. It's a party! At this very moment, I'm making these giant varegated pink pom-poms from a Martha Stewart craft kit. See what I'm saying??!? This is nuts! So. Back to it. Anyone feel so happy, they just need some Valium to not overanalyze so much about what it is that's making you so happy? No? Move to MN, it'll creep in your heart like kudzu. And then strangle your ass.


Duplicate Entry

First, don't be a perv. Seriously. Second, this was a post to my Casa Grande Cougars of the 80's (1990 actually, but whatever) and I thought the rest of you might enjoy a trip haha down memory lane...

HOKAY... So, I escaped CG right after HS and moved to Tucson to go to college. I attended the U of A and graduated with two worthless BA's in History / Anthropology. No, wait, I'm 'well rounded', ahem. In college I skulked about with Stormy Wilcox (now Miller) and a bunch of other people you've never met, and embraced whole-heartedly the world of the mad clubber, crazy raver, and general 3am roustabout. We experienced all the zany shenanigans all college students (and a those a wee bit beyond) should, and came out the other end (relatively) unscathed. Except for Meghan and I still feel really bad about that honey. Anywho, I spent the summer after college backpacking and raving across Europe and got a big-girl job when I got back because I needed health insurance. Damn you Republicans! Damn you all to Hell! (Update: no other slacker partygirl will ever, ever! have to give up living the nomadic bohemian lifestyle in Europe, funded by sequestered student loans, just for health insurance again!! I am deeply grateful to those who made this a reality for future generations.) Right then, I worked in Marketing / Events / Communications for 10 years, got super bored, quit, and as I was always in love with blood and mayhem, went to nursing school. I was an ER RN at Tucson Medical Center because I'm a total adrenaline junky, and holy cow what a freak show! It was the most terrifying bliss I had ever experienced before agreeing to put my body through the birthing process. Yikes. Mike and I eloped to Kauai in July 2006 after dating for 6 years (baby steps! If CG didn't make you scared of marriage, you just weren't paying attention) and Lola, Queen of the Universe, came along October 2007, with Giovana, Empress of the The Garden following in April 2009. Mike graduated medical school (obviously) and got his Radiology residency at the Mayo Clinic (la-tee-freakin-da) and we moved to Minnesota in June 2007. I love it!! The people are so nice! It's just like being in New York, except the people aren't messing with you, they're really that nice. Children run around unattended because they can, and my garden is sick, sick, SICK! Ask me about datura martinis. They'll getcha. That's pretty much it thus far. Being a Mom is the best freaking thing ever and I rock the Domestic Goddess detail, I worry that Lola will figure out her true power before she can even put her shoes on by herself and Giovana's first phrase is going to be 'son of a syphilitic whore', etc., etc. The only thing that blows is getting knocked up this late in the game. My ass is gigantic and it's just not flying off like it used to. So sad! But, that's what personal trainers and salads are for honey. I'm accommodating :) You?


Why did I join a Bible study group, you ask?

Hot shit on a shingle I am losing my mind. It has a great deal to do with my lack of gym time this month and this ungodly long winter. DIE WINTER DIE!!!! The Bitchface, she's fighting the good fight. But me, and the whisky, we are the winning! hell. I need to do some jumping jacks.

Why do the new Bonds suck so bad? Well let me tell you; the cheese is gone. Brosnan kept the chedder straight and it was perfect! The new, sucky ones want to be the Bournes but can't quite pull it off. Seriously. Knock it off.

PTL Mike is back home. He is the best freakin person in the world to hang out with. He's currently jiggling his eyebrows at me. You know the one. Crazy ass man. Seriously. Knock it off. Why do you think I didn't blog last night. Mmm-hmm. The eyebrow jiggling worked. Seriously.

So anyone else totally psyched to watch 'Life' on Discovery? Totally going to be badass. Especially on our new, also totally badass 50" plasma. Thanks husband!

Anyone else get totally freakin annoyed that doctors think they know freakin everything? Oy. Married to one. Totally thinks he knows freakin everything. So doesn't. NOW HE'S GOOGLING HOW TO PISS OFF YOUR WIFE!!! And giggling his moronic head off. That really burns my britches. And not in a good way. He's totally reading the top 10 to me out loud. Like he needs any help. Wanker.

Going to shower, relaxing, necessary. Finally found a freakin bath mat that wasn't a) hideous b) a million dollars. And where did I find it you ask? Walmart. Of freakin course. Lesson in life #432: Snub your nose at something and that is EXACTLY what is going to be the best option for you. Lesson learned. Er, for the 432rd time. This month.

Night y'all.


If I eat anymore sugar I will surely die

Daube's is a bakery here in town and they make little handfulls of beauty that look just like bumblebees, or ladybugs, or 'lovebugs' for Valentine's Day. The point is they're delicious and I could eat a dozen. As it stands, I've had five. today. I rationalize this by not eating any other food, so I'm still well within an acceptable calorie count for the entire day. My tongue tastes like sugar. (OK who else heard Echo & the Bunnymen just now?) I can't focus on an object more than about 2 feet away, which is making it hard to find my drink. Alas. Tomorrow is another day...

God bless Mike. He's off moonlighting, bringing home the bacon so Mama can stay home. He's not doing this solely out of the goodness of his heart - it was deer in the headlights when I mentioned returning to work after Gio was born. I almost peed myself laughing. Why is that funny? I'm not sure, the same reason farts and kids hitting people in the crotch with pinata bats are endlessly entertaining. America's Funniest Home Videos keeps getting it right eeeeeevery season.

So, I've found out gay is the new black. And just in time for Spring! It's too bad really as I'm inordinately fond of this family and already look amazing in black. Whatever shall I do? Or you for that matter? Good thing I've stocked up on so many pairs of fabulous shoes over the years or I'd never be able to afford new look. Do you know what ecstacy costs these days?!

GD I hate Stormy Miller. Everytime she posts pics of her amazing back yard that faces the Saguaro National Forest I just want to shoot myself in the head. Oy! I can't! wait! to have a Bloody Mary in that yard at sunset. My back yard faces some fat white bastard in a Sam's Club tee leafblowing his immaculate lawn. His name is Tom. He really is a bastard. After calling the cops on me the night Lola was born (28 hours of labor and a friggin c-section anyway - bastard!) because the dogs were barking (in the house!) he tried to talk to me over the fence (need a higher fence!) about 'his friend Jesus'. No joke. His friend Jesus. The very next day I sowed a 40lb. bag of white clover seed along our shared 50' chain link fence. 6lbs. covers one acre. It's the only part of the yard I water.

PTL the children are sleeping, thus far, tonight. Wow, kids are hard. You have to keep your shit together all. the time. (OK who saw hottie Efron with the whipped cream just now?) And when you lose your shit, you have to apologize for it so they know that it's OK to lose your shit sometimes and what to do when your shit gets lost. I think a lot of grown ups could use more active parenting. I won't mention any names but his initals are Glenn Beck. Find your shit Glenn, then apologize for losing it so completely. It's the right thing to do.

Off to bed. It's nice to have the bed all to myself, but I'm glad it doesn't happen every night. Let's see what ad pops up tonight...nothing!? I'm disappointed Google - sum ego a liar?


My kids are sick and I want to drink heavily

Right, first blogity blog and I am hallucinating. Love kids. Mean it. Oy gafelt I am tired. Of cooking. And with the cleaning. The laundry is what does it. Seriously! Where are all these socks coming from? The lament of the housefrau. With a backbeat. No not NWA, more like a nice DJ Shadow, better, better. That's right, pick it up now. I'm talking about the freakin leggos get on it.

MN is nice. Really nice, like Twilight Zone nice. It's made me a nicer person. Which needed to happen. Gettin pretty sharp around the edges in Tucson. Well, everywhere really. Still like knives and guns and zombie mayhem. But also like to talk to people now that I actually might talk to again. It's interesting. Joined a book club and they haven't kicked me out yet! And are actually reading my book this time! It's working out. But I'm not. Stopped that caca - 3lbs a month was just not worth it for me to never eat another cupcake. We'll see how I feel once I see my fat ass in a swimsuit. Thank goodness Summer only lasts four days here.

Lola is crying ag...ain. Mitigated. With her fourth (!) entire glass of water. That's going to be a crazy diaper in the morning. I should go to bed, but why? This way pisses me off less. If I'm doing something fun, I can go in a be loving, thinking Mommy. Not Holy Jesus This Must End Or I Might Just Send! You! Back! Mommy. That Mommy is no. fun. And I miss hallucinating.

Tyler Campbell made me laugh really hard twice today. I think I just mentioned it in hopes that he'd read this, feel the pressure of me expecting the hilarity in his comments to get me through the day and get writer's block. hehe. That'll learn ya. I can't be mean to my kids or my husband or any of the nice people here because they just wouldn't get it, and the pressure of being kind all the time is really, really getting to me. Sorry Tyler. You always knew it would come to this.

I'm going to bed. Or I'm not. The illusion of control is just that. I've got to get Lola on another movie.

That was really funny and Orwellian scary - when I published this post, an ad for Ambien popped up. Never forget that they're watching.